


Hallmark Moment (2011)

by JennyB



Series: Advent 2011 [3]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Advent Challenge 2011, Love, M/M, Podfic Available, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-03
Updated: 2011-12-03
Packaged: 2018-01-05 20:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanzo does a bit of soul searching and comes to a surprising realization.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hallmark Moment (2011)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Advent Challenge 2011. Prompt: Everyone has a mate/Christmas cards.
> 
> Podfic (by the lovely Kansouame ♥♥) here: [Take a Listen!](http://www.mediafire.com/?1yfooa7bcg1uluu)

They say that everyone has a soul mate. I'd really like to know who the hell 'They' are. Hearing that sort of philosophical bullshit makes me want to find 'Them' and put a fucking bullet through their heads for spreading around all that crap in the first place. Soul mates? Really? The idea that someone can so completely and utterly understand someone - know them better than they know themselves as those idiots 'They' would say - is ridiculous. I'd laugh in 'Their' faces if the idea didn't so thoroughly nauseate me.

"Sanzo?"

His voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I find myself practically nose to nose with the monkey. He's about two inches from my face and staring at me with that dumb expression of his - the one that's both concerned and adoring, and just irritates the hell out of me. I swat him with my fan and he winces and takes a step back. "What did I tell you about getting into my personal space?" I demand.

"Sorry," Goku says sheepishly as he rubs at his head. "You just looked like you'd gone to sleep there, but your eyes were still open. I just wanted to see if you were ok!"

I can feel the tension headache starting, and I snort in response as I reach for a cigarette. "And what have I told you about saying stupid things?" He continues to look at me strangely, and I roll my eyes. "Tch. What do you want, Saru?"

"Well," he begins hesitantly, and I can see he's puzzling out how to ask what's on his mind. "I was wondering if you were mad." He chews on his bottom lip for a minute. "You know, because you've been - I don't know; weird - ever since I gave you that card this morning."

_The card_

It _is_ the reason for my current state of mind, and it pisses me off that I've been so distracted by it that even Goku has picked up on it. "I'm not mad."

"Maybe not, but you're being _weird_ ," Goku reiterates, as if emphasizing the word will make it crystal clear to me what's going on in that little pea-brain of his.

"I'm not mad," I say again, and I take a long drag off my cigarette as I think about what he's just said. "And weird how?" I already know I'm going to regret asking for an explanation.

Goku looks surprised by my question, as if he hadn't been expecting me to engage him in conversation. Then he looks down at the floor. "I dunno," he says with a shrug. "Just...quiet. Quieter than usual, an' you look like you're thinking real hard about something, an' you don't like what you're thinking about." His brow wrinkles a little. "Hakkai said it wouldn't matter that you're a Buddhist if I gave you a Christmas card. He said...he said that the spirit of the holiday isn't restricted to just that religion, an' that everyone can feel at peace today."

Hakkai. My eyes narrow slightly, and I can feel the smirk threaten as I think about putting a bullet into him for encouraging this crap. At least I have someone I can blame for this, anyway.

Goku's mouth curves down further. "But you hated it, didn't you?"

I think about that. I hate what's printed on it:

_Merry Christmas to My Soul Mate_

And on the inside:

_Peace and Love to You this Day_

Underneath the printed sentiment, Goku scribbled 'I love you!', and then signed his name and drew something I can only guess is supposed to be a cartoon image of him with a heart coming off of it. Chances are good that Goku just chose a card at random based solely on the photograph on the front. I can't imagine he bothered to read the greeting printed on it. It's a black and white image of a winter forest - barren trees, pristine snow, and a full moon in the sky. Not that I'm going to tell him, but it's actually kind of nice. I probably would have chosen the same image myself.

I stab out my cigarette in the ashtray. "I don't hate it." He looks unconvinced, and I can see him trying to discreetly peek into the trashcan by my feet. "I didn't throw it away." Now he's overtly looking around the room, as if he needs to see the damned thing to convince himself I'm not just humouring him. "No, Baka." I clench my jaw as I get to my feet, and I cross the room to where my satchel rests on the floor. "In here," I say as I open it. Goku scrambles over and drops to his hands and knees as he peers into the bag.

As he rifles through the contents, I leave him to it as I go back to the table and finish the last swallow of beer in the can. He rejoins me not long afterwards, and when I look up at him, he looks like he's about to cry. "Didn't you see it in there?" I ask him as I light up another cigarette. He nods. "Then what the hell's wrong with you now?"

"It's - You've got all your important stuff in there!" he says, referring to the scripture, the few beads I'd recovered during my final encounter with Shuei, Koumyou's pipe, and the head of my old khakkhara.

"Yeah, so maybe it's important that I keep it for a while." Now it's my turn to look away.

"But why?" he protests. "I don't understand, Sanzo! You said you're not mad, an' that you liked it, but you're not _acting_ like it!"

"That's enough, Goku," I say, my voice becoming more clipped with my growing discomfort over where this conversation is headed. "Isn't it enough just to know that I kept it?"

He shakes his head. "No," he says quietly, and I know that if I look over at him, there are going to be two wet tracks running down his cheeks. "No," he says again, this time louder and with more conviction. "It's not enough! I picked that card special for you because it had _everything_! It said everything that I...that I..."

"That you what?" I demand softly as my head snaps around to look at him, my eyes narrowing. My heart is hammering anxiously in my chest. I don't want to hear him say it, so I scowl at him instead and hope that he'll lose his resolve.

He clenches his jaw tightly as he quickly dashes the back of his hand across his eyes. "Why won't you ever talk to me? Or tell me the truth about how you feel about things? I'm not as stupid as you think I am, Sanzo! I know you can feel!" He lets out a sound like a hiccup. "I wanted to make you happy, an' I only made it worse! I don't understand!"

This time, I see the two fat tears roll down his cheeks, and I can feel my anger rising. I want to berate Goku for acting like a child, but something stops me. If I'm honest with myself, I realize that I'm really not angry with Goku. I'm angry with myself. Angry because I'm too pathetic to tell Goku that he's absolutely right. Angry because I'm too much of a coward to face my own emotions. Angry because I suddenly realize that this is one demon I can't simply shoot with my banishing gun. "Shit," I mutter under my breath as I irritably stab out my cigarette. I'm honestly going to kill Hakkai for leaving me no choice but to confess all this shit -- and to the monkey of all people. A part of me wonders if that's why he put the idea about Christmas in Goku's head in the first place. _Sneaky bastard._

I get to my feet and glare down at Goku. I can see his shoulders are trembling slightly. "Baka saru," I growl out as I raise a hand, hesitating for a second before I let it drop into his thick mess of cinnamon-coloured hair and I tousle it slightly. "You don't need to give me a card to make me happy," I say as I drop my hand away and move to sit on the edge of the lumpy bed. "You...make me happy."

Goku looks up at me, his eyes wide and earnest. I know he's trying to gauge my sincerity. "I'm always happiest with you, too," he says. His brow furrows again, and then he comes and sits next to me. He doesn't say anything for a while, and then he turns and curls up on his side with his head resting in my lap the way he used to when he was younger. "You don't have to be scared, Sanzo," he says quietly as he drapes an arm across my lap. I can feel his fingertips lightly petting my leg through my robes. "Me an' Hakkai an' Gojyo? We're strong, an' we're not goin' anywhere. Especially me. So it's ok to be happy sometimes. And for you to _want_ us to be here."

"You think so, do you?" I ask as I card my fingers through his hair again, caressing over the back of his head and along his shoulders. He looks like such a child as he lays there in my lap, but I sometimes forget he possesses wisdom beyond his years. At least he does when he's not being a pain in my ass.

"Yeah," he says as he yawns. "I know so. You're a good guy, Sanzo. Even if you don't always act like it. I just think that sometimes, you need to be reminded. An' let people get close to you. It's what keeps you human."

_Human._ I smile a little, knowing no one can see it. If he really sees me like that, maybe I'm not as much of a broken monster as I think. I sit there for a long time, even after Goku has drifted off to sleep and turned over onto the pillow, and I think about what he said to me. It's strange how much he really does understand me. I'm not so optimistic as to believe in anything stupid like Hope. But maybe Fate will see to it that I can find some happiness in my life again. Like I had when I was a child. I chuckle softly. Fate in the form of an annoying monkey...

A loud snore draws me from my musing, and a sudden thought strikes me as I glance over at the stupid chimp entangled in my blankets. Soul mates, huh? Maybe 'They' aren't as full of shit as I'd originally thought after all.


End file.
